Oh God, It's Friday

Don't go to the dog park on Fridays. Just don't. Maybe everyone's brain is in weekend mode a.k.a. shut off, but it doesn't excuse how stupid people get on Fridays.

Like the guy who showed up today with his wife and their young black lab. Yes, sir, I'm talking about you. I should have run the other way as soon as you asked if I was a dog walker. 10 dogs and you have to ask. I thought about it but two of my dogs took a liking to yours so I only walked the other way slowly so they could lag behind and have a little play time with your puppy. That's what dog parks are for, right? Apparently not.

You, sir, seemed to think you could show up at an off leash park with your dog and his favorite ball, which happens to be every dog's favorite ball, and play a little game of fetch.

But then the nightmare began when you approached my pack to ask be about the breed of a dog you found attractive and my little French Bulldog put her paws on your freshly pressed jeans to get closer to the squeaky ball you held in your hand. I appreciate you turning around and telling her, "off" in your firm voice, it takes a village to train these dogs, but next time, instead of holding the ball higher in the air, spinning around in circles screeching at her before kicking her away, why don't you try a little secret only those of us in the super secret underground dog club know. Put the f@#*ing thing in your pocket. You know, out of sight. Remove the temptation.

And, though I realize you were out of your mind with concern over the paw print on your shin, I still think you way overreacted to your puppy playing with other dogs. That's right sir, playing.

When two dogs meet, bark at each other in that high voice, bend their heads low to the ground with their front paws splayed out, that's translated as, "hey, you're cool, wanna play?" And when those two same dogs go chasing after each other, it's not a hunt to the death. It's a game of chase, like tag, only without touching. And the dog in the front, like your little Lab today, is actually in the alpha dog position. Unfortunately, your little Lab is being trained to grow up to be a scared little Lab by you stomping and yelling at his new playmates to go away. And if you kick your little Lab like you kicked my dogs today, I hope your neighbors call animal control and find your Lab a home with someone who has a clue about four legged creatures.

It is stupid Friday today, so I realize you were at your worst, but seriously, you should get cable and watch a dog training show. Do it for your dog, and for your poor wife. I'm sure your people skills aren't stellar either.

Down to Business

If you insist on being a dog walker, you should do it under the table. Seriously. The bookkeeping and taxes are a killer. I should know, it's April 15th and all the savings I had now belongs to the IRS.

It's not that Quickbooks is all that hard to navigate, it's not that I blow all my money on pre-cut organic liver treats, it's not even that I don't believe in taxes. It's just that I got into dog walking because I love the dog stuff.

If I wanted to crunch numbers, I would have been an accountant, or one of those shady bookkeepers that skims off the top because they work for someone like me who only wants to know if she has enough money to stop by the taco truck on the way home.

Profit Loss What? I'd rather scoop poop with my hands and a leaky bag when it's raining sideways and the neurotic German Shepard is barking in my ear than reconcile my checking account. I'd rather tromp through the blackberries at high noon in August chasing after a lost dog than record a receipt.

So that's my advice, first off, don't be a dog walker. Second, just be self-employed, don't be some highfalutin business owner keeping track of write-offs and quarterly estimates. Ask your customers for cash, give 20% to your favorite charity so you're not a complete tax evading jerk and spend your time shopping for more effective rain gear instead of wrestling with spreadsheets. Oh, and keep your day job.

Dog walkers are the new realtors

I've been in the dog walking business for almost two years now, which is long enough for me to reliably say that dog walking has replaced selling houses as the latest career fad. Not that long ago, everyone I knew was taking real estate classes and trying to get rich off the housing bubble. Now it's the same with dog walking. I've lost track of how many people have approached me at the off leash park for tips on starting their own dog walking businesses. The mere fact that they think it's reasonable for me to chat while on the job makes me question their competence. Let me just set down my Chuck-It and poop bags, turn my attention away from the 100 lb Lab who knocks unsuspecting park goers on their backs for fun and the Pointer who will chase a squirrel across the country given the slightest gap in the fence and explain my marketing strategy to you so you can advertise to my potential clients.